This sounds like a weird thing to say coming from a dating coach, but hear me out. I’ve been helping people to find success through online dating since 2004 and I’ve helped over 40,000 people since starting ProfileHelper in 2005. If there’s been one consistent problem that I see among my clients it is that they have often fallen prey to horrible advice from dating coaches.
That’s not to say that all advice is bad, but the lies and promises behind a lot of the advice that comes out of the coaching industry are manipulative, predatory, and just plain wrong-headed. There are tons of videos and blogs out there talking about getting you the hottest men/women, finding the most dates, and claiming to teach you how to compete with all the other people out there.
Dating Coaches and Dating “Competition”
Let’s start with the idea that it is You vs. All the Other Men/Women in a war to get a date with the person you want. What’s wrong with that?
- There is no competition. You have never lost out on a date to someone else in your life. Whether you get a date with the man or woman that you are interested in has nothing to do with how you stack up against “the competition.” There are only two people involved in a connection. You and the person you want to be with. You can’t make someone want you if you aren’t what they are looking for. If you don’t have a good connection with them and someone else does, you did not lose to them, you just didn’t have a connection.
- Finding the most dates is one of the worst things you can do for yourself. The second you start treating dating like a numbers game, you start a countdown clock towards emotional burnout. You don’t have to kiss 100 frogs to find your prince or princess, you just have to stop picking up frogs and be a little more patient.
- The idea of being able to target the “hottest” men or women is something I deal with a lot when I’m talking to clients. I would never tell a client to date someone they didn’t find attractive at all, but when you choose looks almost exclusively over personality, you are selling yourself short. Besides, if you don’t have a connection with someone other than the fact that you think they are hot, what reason would the other person have to want to respond to you?
What Is Good Advice from Dating Coaches?
If that’s bad advice, what’s good advice?
Slow Down with Dating Coaches and the Process.
Everything out there, from your friends to some dating coaches, and even the way dating apps are designed, is set up to make you feel a sense of urgency, or like you are going to miss out if you don’t keep hammering away at full speed. That’s just not true. If you think about dating from a compatibility standpoint instead of from an “all-you-can-eat buffet” perspective, the idea of sending out 10 messages or likes a day is a little ridiculous. The sad thing is that I have some people who come to me and tell me they are sending 25-50 messages a day. There’s just no way you have even the potential of a meaningful connection with 99% of the people you are messaging. They are just people you think are hot, or who have something you want in your life. That’s not a connection, it’s just shopping.
A healthier approach is to only message the people that you find attractive AND can find a connection with. There will be some days when you send out 2-3 messages, but there may be an entire month when you don’t send out any.
Never Start a Conversation with Words You Didn’t Come Up with Yourself.
I’ve seen countless coaches offering you opening lines that a guaranteed to work. There are two problems with that. First, they are generally garbage lines. Second, do you really think you are the only person who read about the magic line that works every time? If you’ve read it, thousands of other people have as well. That means you are now sending someone a message that they’ve probably received at least a dozen times. If you want to message someone, send them a message. Don’t just copy and paste something that someone else told you is clever. If you aren’t sure what to say, I’ll have a short blog coming up very soon about how to create the kind of message that’s actually likely to get you a response (if you are messaging compatible matches).
Stop Selling and Start Engaging.
If there’s one thing that people hate, especially when it comes to dating, it’s feeling like they are being sold to. When women get messages that are focused almost entirely on men trying to convince them that they are the best, funniest, most clever, or the messages are the same old tired compliments that sound like they’ve been copy/pasted 50 times that day, it’s dehumanizing. It makes people feel like a product.
This advice is important for both men and women and it comes down to both the profile and your messages. No one wants to feel like you need to convince them to like you. They don’t want to feel targeted by you, and they don’t want to read a profile that sounds like it was written by a car salesman. People want a window into your world, so they can see who you are and make up their own minds. And, when it comes to your message, they don’t want to feel like you think they are the prize you are trying to acquire, they just want to feel like you actually paid attention to them and that you see and hear them. All relationships are conversations. There is no better way to start a new relationship than with a new conversation. No one wants to engage with an ad, and you shouldn’t listen to dating coaches who approach profiles like this.
This blog post was definitely a bit of a rant, but I hope there was still something helpful for you in it. There are times when a rant is warranted, especially when there are so many people out there who could be helping single people but are just taking advantage. That’s one thing I promise to never do.
If you’ve been struggling with bad advice from dating coaches, or you are just struggling with online dating in general, give me a call at 888-447-7634 for a free consultation, or just fill out our contact form and we’ll get back to you ASAP. If you’d like help creating a dating profile or improving your online dating success with a healthy and realistic strategy designed to help you find better dates instead of just more dates, check out our dating profile service HERE.