There’s been a lot of talk in the news lately about a study showing that most people try to date out of their league. “Try” is the operative word here. How do you know what league you belong to or how high above your station you can date? The secret to it all is amazingly simple. The entire thing is an illusion. Just like the Wizard Of Oz, once you get a look behind this curtain, you will never look at the idea of whom you can and can’t “get” in the same way again.

Are you ready for it?

Here we go…

The secret of dating out of your league is realizing that there are no leagues!

I know, the idea of dating leagues has been around for generations. They are burned into our psyche and reinforced by countless TV shows and movies, but it’s all a lie. The only place that leagues exist is in our mind. There are a million reasons why someone may or may not like you. None of those things determine your worth or status as a human, but we are taught that if someone doesn’t like us, it is because we are not good enough for them. If you are a 5′ 8″ white man interested in a woman who is only attracted to 6’+ black men, her lack of interest in you has nothing to do with your value. She is just looking for something that makes the two of you incompatible. It only becomes an issue of leagues when you make it one.

What about the people who tell you they are out of your league?

Sadly, these people exist. In the same way that you are preventing yourself from finding love by doubting your worth, they are preventing themselves from finding love by placing themselves on a very lonely pedestal. We all have things we want or don’t want in a match or a relationship. Those things don’t determine value. They are just facts. If you are taking those facts and using them to determine that someone is worthless, that says far more about you than it does about them.

So, how do I get dates with the people who I used to consider out of my league?

Forget what you think makes you not good enough for someone and focus on the things the two of you share. It doesn’t matter whether you think someone is more attractive than you. Look and see what type of person they want to meet. See what you have in common and see if there are any hints that you would fit together. That’s all that matters. If you have an interest in them and you can honestly find evidence that they are looking for someone like you, it’s worth taking a shot.

With that in mind, it’s important to not lie to yourself. Our brains are great at rationalizing to help us get what we want. For that reason, it’s important that we be honest with yourself about what the other person says they want. If you have to change yourself to fit their description, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Finally, it’s important that you present yourself in the most honest and attractive way possible. If you write your profile with the idea that you can convince someone to give you a chance, you will fail. Even if you trick someone into giving you a shot with a strong sales pitch, it’s never going to work if you aren’t actually compatible. Your profile isn’t a used car ad; don’t try to use it as a sales tool. No one wants to be sold to. They want to know who you are and what you are looking for. If that’s a hard thing for you to put into words, let us help you.

In the end, we all want to find someone great to share our lives, but we have been convinced that it’s just out of reach and in a better league than we fit into. It’s an interesting concept, but it’s just not true. As long as you are actually compatible with each other, you present yourself with the best profile and photos possible, and you can be confident in your value, you’ve got an excellent chance of finding love in a league of its own.